Kama Sutra: Undiscovered Country
by Trish2
Summary: Teal'c seeks out Carter's assistance in learning certain...'social' customs among the Tau'ri


Undiscovered Country

TITLE: Undiscovered Country  
AUTHOR: Trish Williams   
EMAIL: bartricia_w@yahoo.com   
CATEGORY: Adult, Friendship (Teal'c/Sam), UST (Sam/Jack), Romance (Teal'c/other, Jack/other), Angst   
SPOILERS: "Children of the Gods", "Family", "Fair Game", "A Hundred Days"  
SEASON / SEQUEL: Set near the end of the third season. The third installment in the Kama Sutra series. This is the sequel to 'Third Watch'   
RATING: R CONTENT WARNINGS: Mild profanity, discussion of sexual situations, adult topics SUMMARY: Teal'c needs assistance in learning the sexual customs among the Tauri and turns to Sam for help. This is a response to a challenge posted at Heliopolis 2 to have Sam teach Teal'c about sexual relationships on earth - including meeting someone unusual at an Adult's Only store....  
  


DISCLAIMER: Our God, MGM/UA, who art the owner of all things Stargate SG-1, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Showtime/Viacom's will be done, by Double Secret and Gekko Productions on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this fanfiction, which is my daily bread, and forgive me my trespasses as I twist thine stories into those that fulfill my fantasies. For thine characters are owned by you, and you have the power and the glory while I enjoy the fantasy for no pay or sexual favors, forever and ever, amen. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere or reproduced in print without the consent of the author.

  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is the third story in the Kama Sutra series This is the sequel to 'Third Watch'. At least four (4) stories will comprise this series. There could be more than this, depending on how much time I have and how hard my muse pushes me :-) Special thanks to Lizzie, Ann, Mel and Deanna for being my beta readers on this one. You've provided everything from a pat on the back to helping me avoid murdering the English language. Many thanks to everyone who gave me feedback about Paradox and Third Watch. You're great for my ego and creative energy! As always, constructive feedback is appreciated and will be rewarded with virtual chocolate. All flames will go into my virtual 'circular file'. 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Major Samantha Carter sipped her coffee and looked at the latest problem she was hell-bent on solving. The taste of the hot beverage did not register with her as she tried to make sense of the jumble of variables, equations and notes on the papers strewn around her desk. Periodically, she would look up at a large whiteboard that had even more equations and notes, hoping it would help her. More often than not it just gave her the same blank stare she gave it. Sam figured that if a solution didn't present itself soon, she'd see if any of the SGC Research and Development engineers were around. One of them in particular had a knack for playing 'which of these variables don't belong' with equations. Sam rationalized that if the said engineer could help her with this problem, she'd forgive her for saran-wrapping the toilets this past April Fool's Day...

Sam heard someone enter her lab. When turned her head and saw it was Teal'c, she relaxed and waved him closer. He was definitely a welcome sight.

"Major Carter," Teal'c said in a soft baritone voice as he approached. "Are you otherwise occupied?"

"Nothing that can't wait for awhile," she said, tossing a pencil aside. Sam sighed heavily and gave Teal'c a weary smile, noticing yet again how soothing his voice could be. "What can I do for you?" she asked as she took a sip coffee and tried to actually taste it this time.

"I wish to have sex." 

Sam instantly spewed her coffee out of her mouth and onto her notes.

//With me?// her mind rang out.

"Is the coffee not satisfactory?" he asked, puzzled at what had just happened. Teal'c knew Sam wasn't one to complain about the coffee served at the SGC.

Sam waved a hand as she tried to mop some the liquid off of her notes. "What did you just ask me?" she inquired, not quite sure she'd heard what she thought she heard him say. 

"I asked if your coffee was..."

"Before that," she interjected. Did he mean he wanted to have sex with her? She'd be lying to herself if she said the thought had never crossed her mindbefore.

"I am curious to know the Tau'ri ritual is for obtaining sexual relations."

//Relax Carter, he doesn't mean you,// her mind chided. //Does he?//

"Um, Teal'c," she began, uncertainty and discomfort showing in her voice. "Why don't you ask Jack about this? Or even Daniel?"

"I have inquired of O'Neill on this subject," he told her, folding his large arms in front of him. "The videotape with which he furnished me did not instruct me in anything of which I did not have previous knowledge."

"He gave you a porno tape?" She shook her head. Jack never did like to mince words. Sam knew getting to the point was his specialty, no matter how blunt it was. She decided to try the next logical person. "What about Daniel?" Sam asked.

"He furnished me with an ancient Tauri text called the Kama Sutra. Again, it did not furnish me with the information I seek."

Teal'c found the text to be rather tedious. He didn't need to be told what to do in what situation; he just needed to know the custom for how to go about it. And the customs in that text seemed to be specific to a certain region of this world of the Tauri. Books and videotapes were not helping very much. If anything, they served to confuse him further.

"Teal'c, I don't know if I'm..."

"I have a feeling I would gain much from your insight on this matter," he interrupted. As usual when Teal'c was determined to find something out, he used that tactfully insistent voice. Sam knew there was no way she could get out of this, so she decided to comply as best she could.

"Sexual relationships on this planet can be quite a broad subject. And I hardly think I'd be able to tell you about it all at one time." Sam paused for a few moments while the gears in her brain tried to find a logical starting point for helping her friend. "Try to narrow it down for me a little," she said with a smile. "Are you looking for just sex or a relationship?"

"I am not certain," he said.

Sam figured she'd pick an easy point to start from. "Well, what did you do on your planet when you wanted to...to, well, you know."

//Come on, Carter, don't fall apart now. He came to you for help, remember?//

"As First Prime of Apophis I was given the privilege of using the harem," Teal'c recounted as if reliving the experience. 

"I thought Apophis was so in love with Amunet that he wouldn't consider other women," Sam said with unabashed sarcasm.

"He would not consider other women as his queen. Having his sexual needs satisfied was a different matter entirely."

"Hence the harem," Sam deducted. 

Teal'c nodded in agreement. "I had my choice of any female there," he said. "All except one." His voice trailed off a little, leaving Sam to wonder whom this person was to him.

Teal'c could tell Sam was curious but didn't want to appear intrusive by asking him flat-out. Not that he would have minded telling her, for she was his friend after all. After pacing around a bit to gather his thoughts he resumed speaking.

"She was the chief scribe of Apophis," he told her. "As a side benefit to him, she also served as his favorite courtesan. For anyone, including myself, to mate with her would bring certain death."

Sam gave him a strange look. "Was she that good or was Apophis that jealous?" she asked.

"Both," he said, giving her a knowing look.

Sam could swear Teal'c knew more than he was letting on but decided not to ask. 

"And when you didn't have access to the harem, what did you do?" 

Teal'c shook his head a little. "Some Jaffa took women we had captured as prisoners on other worlds. If women were not available or desired we sought comfort with each other."

Sam shifted a little in her seat.

"You find the idea of males mating with each other distasteful?" Teal'c inquired.

"No, no," she said hurriedly. "I'm comfortable with it." 

Sam found it amusing how easily she could picture him in the throes of passion with another man. She didn't know why she could picture it, she just knew she could. And considering he was Bra'tac's student, there was that whole master-apprentice thing. Her mind projected a picture of them together in the process of, as Teal'c had said, taking comfort with each other. The whole scene turned her on and instinctively she licked her lips.

"Major Carter, are you listening to me?" Teal'c said, causing the projector in Sam's mind to stop showing her fantasy. He seemed more intrigued than annoyed at her momentary lapse of attention.

"Huh?" she said. Then with embarrassment she realized she hadn't been paying close attention. "I'm sorry. Please continue."

"I was saying that in addition to the options I have told you, there were houses of sexual satisfaction." "Like a brothel?" she asked, snapping to attention. "Those are illegal here. Except in Nevada of course. And from what I hear one of them is owned by the federal government."

"Why are such places illegal?" Teal'c asked with a furrowed brow. "It is obvious they perform a much needed service."

Sam shrugged. "Blame it on the Puritans, Mormons and Southern Baptists," she said. "Besides, you could pick up anything in those places."

"You speak of social diseases?"

It took awhile for Sam to comprehend what he spoke of.

"Yes," she said, finally understanding what he meant. "Granted your symbiote does help heal you, but I don't know how much it could help you if you contracted a sexually transmitted disease. These days, there are STD's that can kill you."

"I see," he said, marveling that with all the technology the Tauri had, they still hadn't been able to eradicate illnesses brought on by sexual contact. Among the Jaffa, social diseases were considered to be something only slaves contracted for they had no symbiote to heal such afflictions.

"But you can pick up an STD from anyone - not just prostitutes," she lectured. "So if you do decide to have sex, make sure to wear a condom." Sam marveled at how much she sounded just like her Sex Ed teacher in high school. All she needed now was a banana to demonstrate how to put a condom on.

"And where do I obtain such a thing?" Teal'c said, obviously intrigued of how Sam had gone from being embarrassed to giving him a lecture.

"Things," Sam corrected with a smile. "I'm pretty sure you can get them here on the base. And before you ask, it is illegal to pay someone for sex."

Teal'c arched an eyebrow at her.

"Not that I think you'd do such a thing," Sam backpedaled, realizing with embarrassment that she'd probably just insulted him. The way women and some men on the base looked at him, the last thing he'd have to do is pay for it. If anything, they'd pay him for the pleasure.

Teal'c was amused at his friend's embarrassed expression. "There is much I need to learn," he said, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"I know I probably tossed a lot of information at you, Teal'c," Sam empathized as she regained her composure. "But I'm just trying to get an idea of what you're looking for. Are you looking for sex without love or sex with love?"

Teal'c sat down and thought for a few moments. He weighed each situation in his mind to determine what would bring him the most satisfaction. It wasn't as if sex without love was a problem for he'd done it numerous times--more often than not. For the Jaffa, the more of them there were, the faster they could assist their Goa'uld master's breeding. Sexual relations were based more on either creating or maintaining a bloodline--not love.

"Love is not a factor at this time," Teal'c declared. "Only interest."

"Well, that helps me out a little." Suddenly, a thought entered Sam's mind that might help explain things to Teal'c. Tapping her head with a finger, she said, "I guess Tau'ri sexual relationships can be summed up in one paradox."

"And what is that?" Teal'c prompted.

"Women give sex to get love. Men give love to get sex."

"I see," he said. 

On Chulak, men gave security and protection in order to get sex, while women gave sex because it was their duty to do so in order to receive security and protection. Love had nothing to do with it most of the time. When it did, it was more of a side benefit than a requirement.

"I'll tell you what," Sam said as she got up from her desk. "I'll try to help you as much as I can."

"I will be in your debt," Teal'c said with a slight nod of thanks.

Sam motioned for him to get up. "Let's take a walk," she said, picking up the mostly-empty coffee cup. "I could use some more coffee."

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

//How the hell am I going to go about explaining this to him?// Sam's mind asked as she exited the mess hall with a fresh cup of coffee in hand and Teal'c right behind her. //And how am I going to avoid answering that question about Jack? Its not like I'm not attracted to him. If there weren't that little thing called a court martial I'd...//

Teal'c walked next to Sam, aware that she was debating something in her mind as she had not spoken a word since obtaining her coffee. And when she did start talking about how complex sexual relationships on this world could be, he only half-listened. His attention was focused instead on how the women on base looked at him. Some walked by without a look, while others either gave him a nervous smile or a downright unabashed stare. A group of female warriors who were talking giggled nervously as he passed by. As he and Sam turned the corner away from the mess hall, he saw the blonde one in the group look him straight in the eye. She gave him a seductive smile, then slowly looked him up and down as if she were appraising a fine statue.

"Teal'c, are you listening to me?" Sam asked. When she noticed she was still walking but Teal'c had stopped, she turned around. 

"She is interested?" Teal'c asked Sam as she approached. The woman had darker blond hair than she had, and it was pulled back so tightly it gave Sam a headache just looking at it.

"Yes," she said tentatively. "Very." 

Sam gently pulled him back to resuming his walk with her. He knew that if she hadn't, he probably would have just stood there staring at the woman. 

"Teal'c, just because she shows interest doesn't mean she wants to have sex," she counseled. "At least not right away. " 

"She wishes to be courted?" he asked.

"Some women do, yes. But even before that, there are a lot of factors to consider."

"And what factors are those?"

"Like attractiveness for example," she said, gesturing with her hands. "Some women like physically strong men, others like very smart and cerebral men."

"Because you are a warrior, would you not find Colonel O'Neill more attractive than DanielJackson?"

"Teal'c," Sam protested, "I can't think about Jack that way."

//God knows I think about Jack that way...// she thought.

"It is a hypothetical question," Teal'c asked, amused at her reaction.

Sam gave him a strained smile. "Both of them have qualities I would consider...attractive. Some women are attracted to physical strength, others to intelligence, some like a sense of humor. It all depends on the person.'

"I see."

"And some are just interested in screwing you and have no desire to be attracted beyond the physical."

"You speak of sex without love?" he asked, wanting to make sure he understood what she was talking about.

"Yes," Sam confirmed.

"Do you think she is only interested in... screwing me?"

"I don't know, you'll have to ask her," Sam retorted with a grin.

Teal'c began to turn to go back but Sam restrained him.

"I didn't mean right this minute!" she whispered sharply. "You can't just barge over and ask for sex. I know you're eager but you have to approach these things delicately."

Now this Teal'c did not understand at all. He couldn't understand why all the pretense and games needed to be played in order to obtain something that was physically pleasurable for both parties involved. With all of this nonsense, he found it a wonder the Tauri had multiplied as much as they had.

"She does find me appealing," he rumbled as he cut his eyes at Sam.

Sam gave him a look of agreement. "From the way she looked at you, I'd say definitely."

"Then I do not understand the need for hesitation," he declared.

Sam wrung her hands. "Teal'c," she began, "If you go over there right now and bluntly ask her for sex, she'd probably turn you down flat. And then you'd be right back where you started."

Teal'c rationalized that Sam was probably right. After all, she was Tauri and knew their ways. He did not.

"Because you are a scientist also, do you not find DanielJackson more appealing to you than Colonel O'Neill?"

Sam stopped walking and shot him a look.

"You are determined to make me answer that question, aren't you?"

Teal'c just smirked at her.

"But we're talking about you. So don't try and turn this around on me. Daniel is..." Sam stopped talking as Sergeant Harriman approached. 

"Hi Major Carter," he said happily. "Teal'c."

"Harriman," she said as Teal'c nodded slightly in acknowledgement. "What's going on? You're off somewhere in an awful rush."

"I just got the latest Victoria's Secret catalog," he said, holding the magazine to his chest as if it were a precious gift. "Seeing something like this makes life worth living."

Teal'c was intrigued. "May I observe?" he asked.

"Sure," Harriman said, handing the Jaffa the magazine. 

Teal'c flipped through page after page of underwear-clad supermodels, trying to figure out what made these Tauri males obsess so much over this publication. He found the women on these pages much too skinny and frail. If they were on his planet, they would have a hard time finding a husband. No man wanted a wife who looked like she'd die in childbirth.

"And you find this...appealing?" he said, not looking up.

Harriman gave him a confused look. "Don't you?"

Teal'c looked him straight in the eye and said, "Perhaps."

Sam snickered a bit.

"Teal'c, granted I like you and all but I can't let you keep this. It's my only copy and I plan to enjoy it." 

"Hi Sam. Hi Teal'c," a soft voice prompted. It was Doctor Kayla Porter, the SGC R&D engineer Sam had thought of contacting earlier. The dark-skinned woman in gold-rimmed glasses put her hands in the pockets of her white lab coat as she stood there. With her hair pulled back in an elegant French twist she looked more like a queen than an engineer.

"Hi Kayla," Sam said.

"Hello, Doctor Porter," Teal'c said with a slight bow. Kayla smiled at him.

Harriman just looked, too floored by the beauty of the engineer to say something.

"I think Harriman wants to say hello but it's stuck in his throat," Sam joked.

"Hi, Doctor Porter."

"And what do you have there?" she asked Teal'c as she tried to read what was on the cover. When she saw what it was, she looked back and forth between the Jaffa and the magazine he held. "Oh, I just got my copy today."

"Really?" Sam inquired, humoring her. She couldn't tell if Kayla was serious or just trying to jerk Teal'c around. 

"Had to lock it up," she said, giving Harriman a wink. "Too many of my co-workers kept trying to abscond with it." Kayla flipped through some of the pages, periodically making seductive eye contact with Teal'c.

"Sergeant Harriman tells me Tauri men find this...appealing," he said as he made eye contact with her. She met his gaze with equal if not more intensity.

//Oh, just drag him off to a hotel room right now why don't you?// Sam scolded in her mind.// As far as she was concerned, Kayla's flirting bordered on merciless.

"It's more than appealing," Harriman added as if none of them truly grasped the importance of this item. "I heard this story about one of the Colonels stationed here. He was stuck in some god-forsaken place with hardly anything. The whole area was wet from the rain. When he had to find kindling to light a signal fire he had a choice between a highly valuable comic book and a copy of the Victoria's Secret catalog. Guess which one he burned?"

"It would have been advantageous of him to burn both."

"Spoken like a true warrior," Sam said.

"Let me guess," Kayla said, "he burned the comic book."

"Yep," Harriman said, rocking back and forth on his heels.

Teal'c thought the said person wasn't thinking clearly. To sacrifice one's survival in order to have a few printed pictures of scantily clad women was ridiculous at best - plain stupid at worst. Before he could say more, he caught a whiff of Kayla's perfume. It was rich, spicy, and the smell of it temporarily transported him back to the incense-rich atmosphere of Apophis' harem. She looked at him briefly with her perfect almond-shaped eyes before dropping her gaze to the magazine he held and flipping some of the pages in it.

"Well, unlike with some Tau'ri men, I actually use my copy to order stuff from." Kayla turned a few more pages. She looked at Teal'c, pointed to the page and whispered in his ear.

"You do?" he said, his deep voice cracking a little.

Kayla nodded. She looked at him intensely, as if trying to communicate with him telepathically.

"Well, I'm off to meet Janet for lunch," she said, touching his shoulder briefly and sending electric shocks of pleasure through him. "Nice meeting up with you again, Teal'c. And Sam, look, about that saran-wrapping the toilet seat incident..."

//I want to kill her for that,// Sam thought. //Nothing like having pee run down the back of your pants ... //

"April Fool's, I know," she said with a terse smile. "It's just that Jack won't let me forget about it."

"That's Jack O'Neill for you. See you all later." They all looked on as she disappeared into the groups of people roaming the hallways of the SGC.

//Now how the hell does she know about Jack?// she thought. 

"God, she's gorgeous," Harriman said, not even trying to mask how much he was drooling. His eyes were plastered on her hourglass figure as she walked away.

//Those probably aren't even real tits,// Sam thought. //Maybe if I had them Jack would look at me like he looks at her. Hell, like all men look at her. Even Teal'c can't stop from looking...//

"She is most appealing," he said, still looking in her direction. 

"What did she say to you?" Harriman asked Teal'c.

"It is personal," Teal'c said, not trying to mask his amusement that he knew something they didn't.

"Well, I need to go," Harriman said, taking the magazine from Teal'c. "I'll see ya later." Sam and Teal'c watched with amusement as he scurried off down the hallway.

"He's probably off to the bathroom," she said as she resumed walking. Teal'c followed.

"To look at the pictures in that catalog?"

"Yes."

"What would be the purpose of doing such a thing?" Teal'c asked.

Sam sighed deeply. She figured God must have been getting back at her for something. Most likely it was for lusting after Jack.

"Teal'c," Sam said tentatively. "Did you, um, feel anything while looking through that magazine?" She was obviously uncomfortable with what she was trying to explain.

"You speak of arousal."

"Yes. That," she said, relieved she wouldn't have to explain it further. "Did you?"

"Yes." He wasn't lying. Given those women weren't ones he'd particularly be attracted to, but the items they wore didn't fail to drum up arousal in him. The pictures helped, but seeing and being near Doctor Porter intensified things immensely. In his mind, the pictures were an appetizer but Kayla was the full course meal.

"To put it mildly," Sam began. "Harriman probably plans to take care of that arousal after looking at all those pictures."

"The men of your world use pictures in to bring themselves to sexual completion."

Sam chuckled at his statement. "If they didn't, most of the fertility clinics in this country would be out of business."

They walked in silence for a few moments while Teal'c comprehended what Sam was saying.

Giving her a puzzled look, he said, "I do not understand the obsession Tauri men have with this magazine."

Sam shrugged. "They like to look at pictures of half-naked women they know they don't have a snowball's chance in hell of sleeping with. Actually, they like to look at naked women but that isn't as accepted in public as this is."

"And the women of your world wear such things?"

"I think Kayla answered that question for you," Sam said with a wink. If she didn't know better, she could have sworn he just blushed.

"I am intrigued by this, Victoria's Secret," he said.

Sam suddenly got an idea.

"Teal'c, are you up for a trip to the mall?" she asked.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Teal'c noticed how busy this Tauri marketplace was. Unlike the open-air marketplaces on Chulak, the Tauri seemed to like theirs in enclosed structures. They brought in fountains, trees and plastic flowers to make it more appealing. He noticed Tauri adolescents wandering aimlessly or huddled in groups as each tried to impress the other. Women strolled along with their children while men chatted with each other as they sat on benches. Just like on his home planet, this marketplace was a social event as well as commerce. As much as he enjoyed Major Carter's company, the energy and vigor with which she shopped with was beginning to wear on him. 

And carrying her shopping bags didn't help.

"Teal'c, this way," Sam said. 

He noticed she stood in front of a store that said 'Victoria's Secret'. The entire store looked bathed in pink and initially the color did not beckon him to enter. Before he could tell Sam that he didn't feel the need to go in, the trademark smell of the place grabbed him by the scruff and pulled. He couldn't place the smell with an exact person - just that it smelled female. Without protest, he followed Sam into the belly of the powder-pink beast.

"So this is the 'Victoria's Secret' so many have spoken of," Teal'c announced as he took a cursory look around.

"Yep," Sam said. "I figured you might want to take a look. See what all the fuss is about."

"What is the purpose of the odor of this room?" he asked. This was the first of the stands in this marketplace that had an aroma that did not smell of food.

"It's to get people to stay in and spend money," Sam explained. "They've got the power of suggestion down to a science in this place."

Teal'c saw luxurious fabrics in brilliant colors placed throughout the store. Some hung on hangers, some folded with precision on tables beckoning to be touched, while others were dressed on human figures with no heads, arms or legs. He touched a silk slip that was neatly folded on a table, relishing the smooth feel of it against his rough skin. He hadn't touched something so soft and luxurious since the days in Apophis' harem. The women there were always elegantly and enticingly attired. Secretly, he wondered if this Victoria had secretly been a member of the harem.

He postulated that maybe this was Victoria's 'secret' after all.

"May I help you?" a lanky saleswoman said to them. She wore the trademark apron, headset and tape measure of a Victoria's Secret employee. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she wore way too much mascara.

"We're just looking," Sam told her flatly.

"Something for you?" she asked Sam hopefully. "We've got a wonderful sale on bras today. Thirty percent off. I think you'll especially like our Miracle bras. They help to increase the cleavage if you know what I mean."

Sam wanted to slap her. Teal'c wanted her to elaborate on what a miracle bra was but from the look Sam gave the saleswoman he decided to keep his mouth shut.

"Thirty percent off, huh?" she said.

The saleslady nodded.

Teal'c watched as Sam pondered the thought of a purchase. Tau'ri women weren't all that different from those of his home planet. Bartering to get more for less was as prevalent there as it was here.

Sam finally reached a decision. "I'll think about it," she said with a venom-filled smile.

Suddenly, the saleslady whipped out a perfume bottle from the folds of her black apron.

"And this is our newest fragrance," she said as she held up the sparkling crystalline spray bottle. 

"Please..." Sam began. She'd known what was coming but unfortunately the saleswoman was much faster than she was. "Don't spray that," Sam said with a frown after the scented mist finished its assault her face.

"Oh, I apologize," the saleslady said sheepishly. "Reflex reaction. It smells wonderful, doesn't it?" she asked Teal'c.

Teal'c let his nostrils gauge the smell of the perfume. After a few moments, he announced his decision.

"The smell does not please me," he said.

The saleslady looked offended but quickly regained her composure.

"Well, if you need any assistance, my name is Candye."

"Thank you, Candye," Teal'c said. "We will summon you if your assistance is needed." 

The saleswoman gave him a strange look before quickly pounced upon a man entering the store.

"I thought this was a women's marketplace?" he said as Candye approached the unfortunate male shopper.

"Men usually buy things here for women in their lives," she said, going through a rack of silk nightgowns. "You should see this place on Valentine's Day and Christmas. The saleswomen make tons off of clueless guys seeking to impress their wives and girlfriends."

"What is the purpose of purchasing such gifts?"

"So they won't have to sleep on the couch."

Teal'c arched his eyebrow at her. He tried to reason why would a man give a woman a gift in order to prevent having to sleep on the couch....

Suddenly, the light bulb went off in his head.

"In order to assure future sexual relations, the men of your planet shower their women with gifts on certain festival days."

"Exactly," Sam said with a smile.

"Does Colonel O'Neill furnish you with such gifts?"

//I wish,// Sam thought.

"It wouldn't be appropriate," she said. Teal'c could have sworn he heard regret in her voice.

"If I wish to begin sexual relations with a woman, I should procure something from this place?" he asked her as she picked up a sea-blue nightgown.

"If its just sex you're interested in I wouldn't waste money here," Sam said. "Just do what Jack does. Buy a six pack of beer, some condoms and rent a room at the Motel Six."

//Or get stuck on Eudora...// she thought.

"That color favors you," he said with a rich smile. Sam blushed and put the gown back.

"Now since it seems you want sex within a relationship, giving a woman lingerie as a first gift isn't such a great idea. As a matter of fact, I'd say until you've established a relationship, giving her something from this place might give her the wrong idea."

"And what idea would that be?" he asked, his hands palming the breasts of a mannequin clothed in a black lace push-up bra and matching thong panties.

"That you want to a have sex." 

Teal'c looked confused. "But that is what I desire," he reminded her.

"Teal'c," she said, slowly removing his hands from groping the mannequin. "Let me give you some advice. If you plan on having sex within a relationship, you can't sabotage it from the start. If you do, it'll be much harder to keep having sex with the same woman."

"Then I will find another," he declared.

//God, why are you doing this to me?// she yelled in her mind. //I'm only trying to help a friend. Can't you make it any easier? Please?//

Sam exhaled sharply. "Okay, let's see if this makes my point a little better. I may be getting personal, but I need to know this in order to help you."

"Do you need any help?" Candye asked as she bounded over.

"No!" they both exclaimed. The salesperson slinked off to attack another customer. Sam motioned for Teal'c to follow her over to where the bath products were.

"Is there someone specific that you wish to have sex with?" she asked as she picked up and put down a few bottles.

"Yes," he said, now knowing exactly whom it was he wanted in that way.

"And you wish to have a relationship with this person?"

"That is correct."

"And you want that relationship to consist of sex on a regular basis?"

"If she pleases me the first time, yes."

Sam got an annoyed look on her face. "What about if you don't please her?" she demanded.

"In all my years that has not been the case," he said with a knowing smile.

If it was anybody else but Teal'c, she would have thought they were being arrogant.

"We'll get to that point a later," she said, smiling back. "In a nutshell, it would be best if you got her something that doesn't have sexual undertones. Once you and she have decided to enter a relationship, then you can come in here and let a salesperson like Candye over there scam you into buying anything because your ladyfriend might 'like it'."

He watched as Sam grabbed two bottles of body wash and paid for them at the counter. While she paid for them, he made a final scan of the items in the store. His eyes lighted upon those that aroused him most. Should his mating with his chosen woman be successful, he would have MajorCarter bring him here to procure those things he wished to see on her.

But he'd be damned if he let someone like Candye try to talk him into buying something he didn't want. 

"Okay Teal'c," she said grabbing his arm gently, "Let's go."

As they walked through the mall towards Nordstrom's parking lot where her car was parked, Sam kept thinking in the back of her mind about Jack. Somehow, in trying to teach Teal'c about sexual relationships on this planet, it made her wonder about her own sorry excuse for a sex life. It seemed that another paradox was also true: The one you want always seems to be the one you can't have. 

"Teal'c," Sam said as they entered Nordstrom. "Forgive me for being intrusive but this is bugging the hell out of me. What did Kayla say to you?"

The Jaffa got an amused look on his face. "Remember the garment on the headless and armless figure you pulled me away from?" he asked.

"Yes?"

"She said she had that."

//Okay, no big deal,// Sam thought.

"On her person."

"Oh!" she accidentally exclaimed out loud. As fortune would have it Sam was directly in the path of a saleswoman holding a bottle of a fragrance. Her finger was on the trigger and she was ready to shoot.

"Do not spray her," Teal'c warned as he steered Sam away from the saleswoman. The saleswoman did not try to hide her displeasure at him taking away a potential sale from her.

"Thanks," Sam said gratefully. "Whomever came up with the idea of spraying people with perfume as they enter a store should be tarred, feathered and set ablaze."

"Why do they do such a thing?"

"To try and get you to buy it. Women wear certain fragrances to attract men."

"Your people tend to drown themselves in false scents," he said.

"I can't argue with you there," she said. "Don't the women of your planet do the same?"

"Scented oils are worn, but that is all."

"Teal'c, you can't say perfume doesn't attract you."

The smell of Kayla's perfume came rushing back to his senses.

"No, I cannot," he said, remembering various scents women and men wore at the SGC. Among the warriors these scents were not very strong which was logical because how can one sneak up on the enemy when they could smell you first? "I take it the men of your world also wear scent to attract?"

"Yes, yes they do,' she said. "It isn't as prevalent as for females but it is there."

Sam steered him past to the Men's fragrance counter. It was on their way out anyway so she figured she'd humor Teal'c by dropping by.

"Can I help you?" a salesman said, obviously not thrilled with Sam. She could tell right off the bat he was gay. In his eyes, she was the perceived competition for Teal'c.

"We're just looking around," Sam said.

Teal'c looked at the man, trying to figure out why his gaze was so intently fixated on him. He had the same stature as Bra'tac, his mentor. Remembering his teacher sent a warm, reassuring feeling through him. The stare of this stranger did nothing to change that feeling.

"You are a lover of men, are you not?" Teal'c said with his usual bluntness.

"I am a lover of many men," he said sweetly. "Would you like to be next?"

Teal'c gave him an expression that answered his question with a definite 'maybe'.

"Well, if you're looking to buy," the salesman said as he slipped Teal'c a card, "I'm definitely in the market to sell."

Sam pulled her friend gently away from the counter so they could proceed to the car.

"Teal'c," she began, noticing how the gay salesman kept looking at them as they left. "Maybe I'm going in the wrong direction. Are you interested in men? I mean, having sex with men."

"I have not ruled it out," he said, pocketing the card. "It is, however, not my first choice. I would prefer a female of your kind."

"Just makin' sure I cover all the bases," she said, spreading her hands out wide to emphasize her point. "Come to think of it, there may be another place that would help more. It's on the outskirts of town though. And I gotta warn you up front, I've heard it's pretty far out there."

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

The ride out towards the edge of town was quiet for the most part. Sam figured Teal'c was probably trying to make some sense of what she'd been trying to teach him. She was trying her best, God knows she was, but it seemed to bring up more questions than answers. It wasn't that she minded providing answers for Teal'c; it was those damn questions about Jack that kept popping up in her mind.

//Quit fooling yourself Carter. You know you want him.//

"No I don't," she muttered as she tightened her grip on the steering wheel.

"You don't what?" Teal'c asked, noticing the strange expression on her face.

"Nothing," she said, tossing him a brief smile as they cruised down the street.

//What do you mean it's nothing? You obviously want him. I'd call that something.//

"Please elaborate more on how Tauri women use sex to get love," Teal'c asked.

//Like screwing some guy you don't care for too much just to get him to say 'I love you'?// Sam thought. 

"Well, I'm sure everyone wants to be loved on some level," she said as she turned the SUV onto a small side street. "Stereotypically, women have sex in order to get love or keep what they perceive as love."

Teal'c thought for a few moments then said, "That is not logical."

Sam laughed a little. "On the other hand, stereotypically speaking, Tauri men give love in order to get sex."

"So it is a game?" Teal'c surmised.

"Yes, one of the oldest on this planet to be exact."

Teal'c frowned as he adjusted the baseball cap that covered his tattoo. "I do not wish to deceive in order to obtain sex," he declared. 

"Honesty like that is refreshing," she said, bringing the vehicle to a slow stop at the traffic light. "If more people were honest from the beginning, it would clear up a lot of things."

"Are there people who have relationships strictly based on sex?"

"Yep," Sam affirmed. "They're called, excuse my French, fuckbuddies. Whenever one of them is in the mood, they contact the other party and then get together solely for the purpose of having sex. No relationship, no commitment, no strings."

"In that case, why not go to a house of sexual satisfaction?" Teal'c asked. "I still do not understand why they are illegal." Teal'c just couldn't understand why such a thing wasn't allowed on this world.

"That's how our country works," she said with shrug.

"And then there are lovers," he said, his voice trailing off as he noticed a couple holding hands and crossing the street. They were so enamored with each other they barely missed getting sideswiped by a fast-moving car.

"Yes," she said. "That's usually in the context of a relationship in one form or another." Sam also noticed the couple. If she didn't know better, Sam could have sworn he looked a little envious. She knew she was.

"And what form is that?"

"Dating," she said. "The relationship is called dating and you pair up with people to determine if they're compatible. If they are, you usually stay with them and it could lead to marriage."

Teal'c was intrigued. "And if they are not?" he prompted.

Sam got a trite look on her face and said, "Then it comes down to dump or not to dump. And trust me, you'd rather be the dumper than the dumpee." 

"I do not understand what you describe," he questioned with a furrowed brow.

"Ending the relationship," she clarified. "Do people date on Chulak?" Sam realized how clueless she sounded but ignored it.

"The closest thing to what you describe is the courtship period. It is done in order to obtain a wife."

"That sounds like dating," she said with grin.

"The wife is chosen by the potential husband's family," Teal'c described. "If she is approved of and has provided sufficient dowry, the courtship period begins."

"And if you didn't like her, then what?"

"The dowry is not accepted and she is free to return to her family."

Sam shook her head. "In other words, your family gets to pick your wife?"

"Yes," he said flatly.

"At least she wasn't a gift like Sha're was to Daniel," Sam snorted. "So who picked Drey'auc out for you?"

"My mother," he said.

"You had no say in it?"

"She was sufficient for what I needed."

Sam knew the answer to what she was about to ask before the words left her lips. "Did you love her?" she asked, looking him directly in the eye.

"Love was not required," he said, avoiding her gaze. "Only her fitness to be the wife of a First Prime."

Sam didn't want to mention it to him, but it seemed Teal'c showed more emotion and affection for Apophis' courtesan than for his former wife. 

"Teal'c," she began. "Forgive me for asking but were you involved with Apophis'..."

"The signal has turned green," he said, cutting off her question. 

As if on cue, the car behind them blared its horn. Sam waved apologetically and proceeded through the intersection.

"Are you trying to change the subject?" she asked, tossing him the occasional glance.

"The signal had turned color," he said matter-of-factly.

"You know what I mean."

Teal'c just smirked at her.

"If you do not ask me about May'at," he bargained, "I will no longer question you about Colonel O'Neill."

"Or Daniel?" Knowing this Jaffa's strange sense of humor he'd try such a thing.

"Or DanielJackson," Teal'c assured.

"You've got a deal," she said, rationalizing that at least she got a name out of him. From what little she could piece together, it looked like Teal'c had been doing something lascivious with snake boy's mistress. Cheating on his wife wasn't something Sam thought he'd do. On the other hand, considering how much a wench his former wife was, she couldn't blame him for finding comfort somewhere else.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Sam pulled the SUV into the dimly lit parking lot; the gravel crunching under the wheels as she quickly turned into a vacant parking space. A bright pink neon-sign above the frosted-window building flashed "Exxxotica". A white sign with big red letters stated one had to be at least eighteen years of age to enter. As Sam cut off the engine, she admonished herself for doing so bad of a job at teaching Teal'c about sexual relationships that she'd resorted to bringing him here.

//Dear God,// Sam prayed silently. //If you're up there, please do not make me explain to Teal'c what edible underwear is, or what a dildo is, or what a butt plug is. Anything else is fair game.//

"Of what nature is this place?" Teal'c he asked as he got out of the car.

"Of an adult nature," she said, shutting the door. Teal'c shut his after her and made sure she'd locked the car. "You'll understand more when we get inside."

Teal'c took a cursory look around the parking lot before following Sam. He noticed some people seemed particularly wary of being caught here. For the life of him, he couldn't understand why. Unlike in previous places he'd visited, it seemed Tauri were especially wary when visiting this place. It was as if they did not want to be seen. Granted, when he had visited the harem he did so because it was his right - he had no reason to be wary. Here, the Tauri seemed every worried someone would see them. He'd never seen them on their guard so much.

"This is very different compared to Victoria's Secret," Teal'c said, holding the door open for Sam. After she entered the store he followed suit.

"You don't know the half of it," she said with a heavy sigh as the door closed behind him. 

Before she could say anything, he looked at her and said, "Rhetorical statement?"

Sam nodded.

"As you can see," she said, motioning around with her hands. "It's a lot trashier than Victoria's Secret."

//Nothing like a trip to 'Harlots R Us',// she thought.

Sam watched bemusedly as Teal'c took in the atmosphere of the store. This place had no soft, beckoning female smell to entice you into purchasing anything. Everything was out as it was for purchase on its own merits--not because your significant other 'might' like it. She had to give this place credit though. At least folks came here with a concrete purpose in mind.

To get off by *any* means necessary.

"I do not think this would be comfortable," he said, indicating the bikini briefs being painfully stretched by a well-endowed male mannequin. He looked at the item as if he wasn't sure what to make of it.

"It ain't all that comfortable for women either," Sam said. "Believe me." She chuckled to herself, remembering how sexy Teal'c thought something like that looked on Kayla. Funny how what men think is sexy on a woman, they wouldn't consider wearing for themselves.

//I wonder if Jack would wear something like that?// she thought. Sam instinctively got a rosy tint on her face at the thought.

Her blush got even deeper when she saw Teal'c staring at an illuminated display of dildos and vibrators. He was absolutely fascinated with the various shapes and sizes parading themselves in front of him.

Pointing to the glass, he said, "These are shaped much like..."

"Yes, I know," Sam quipped. 

//God, I'm sorry I thought that about Jack. I won't do it again...at least until we leave the store. Just don't have him ask about the other stuff, okay?// 

"For what use are these?" he asked as he pressed his face closer to the glass.

Sam took a few deep breaths as she channeled the spirit of her sexual education teacher from high school. "When sometimes a man can't perform," she said, "or has performed way to fast, or one isn't available or wanted, women use these. They're quite handy."

Teal'c turned his attention away from the glass and raised an eyebrow at Sam.

"So I've heard!" Sam added hastily.

"Sexual performance is a desired sexual trait?" Coming from Teal'c, this sounded more like a statement than an actual question.

"That along with endurance," she added. "There is nothing a woman loathes more than a guy who can't last."

//God, please let Jack be the lasting...okay, I'm sorry!!//

"There is not?" Teal'c inquired with a raised eyebrow.

"Remember Sergeant Phillips?"

"Yes," he said, turning his eyes again to the display.

"Guess why they call him 'Five Minute Phillips'?" she said, watching as the gears in Teal'c's head turned.

"When one is lacking in sexual endurance..." 

"Word gets around," she said, completing his sentence. "So instead of worrying if she'll please you, I suggest you worry about pleasing her."

"Because if I do not..."

"You will never hear the end of it," Sam said, narrowing her eyes at him in joking fashion.

Suddenly, the crack of a whip got their attention. 

Standing right behind Teal'c was an olive-complexioned saleswoman who wore a leather merry widow complete with black fishnet stockings and high-heeled boots. The long, dark ponytail she wore looked like the twin sister of the short whip she tapped across her hand. Her green cat-eyed stare temporarily dueled with the blue-eyed one Sam returned until Teal'c turned around to face her. When he did, the catfight expression she'd given Sam melted into a seductive grin.

"I do not believe this one is capable of not providing pleasure," the woman purred in a voice like Catwoman. She traced her short, black leather whip along Teal'c's jaw line, taking in the strength of his presence. "Of course I could be wrong. When you've seen as much as I have, you know that physical strength and sexual endurance are not always mutually exclusive."

"I see," he told her. He was obviously fascinated by her presence, especially considering that in her heeled boots, she was as tall as he was.

And he found it extremely arousing.

"But I could be wrong," she purred, tracing the whip down his chest. She looked him deeply in the eyes, taking in the essence of him.

"Um, you are?" Sam inquired.

"The name's Delilah," she spat, not taking her eyes off of the Jaffa.

//At least Teal'c doesn't have any hair for her to cut off...// 

"You're a dominatrix?" Sam asked. She gave the woman a peculiar look as if something wasn't right.

"What is a dominatrix?" Teal'c asked with wonder.

"Poor thing. You don't get out much, do you?" Delilah sympathized as she pressed her body closer to him. "But don't worry, I'm sure you're a fast learner."

"I am," he growled back. 

"But to answer your question, I provide discipline to those who lack or desire it,'" she said with a quick snap of the whip.

Given Teal'c was eager to learn about Tauri sexual relationship, Sam knew this was not the woman to teach him. It wasn't anything she could put a finger on exactly - it was just something she felt. The sexual intensity between them was growing by the moment, and she knew if she didn't get him away from her there could be problems.

"Teal'c," Sam prompted, "We'd better get back to looking around."

"If there is anything you have questions about in the store," she said to Teal'c, "please do let me know. I'd love to give you a personal demonstration."

"I don't think he's the kind to get into that sort of thing," Sam protested.

"Honey," she said in a sweetly condescending voice. "You wouldn't believe the kinds of people who are into this sort of thing. We get all kinds who come through these doors." Delilah pointed towards the rear of the store at two men who were browsing through some videotapes. "For example, take that lovely couple over there. One is a die-hard military-type. I just hope they don't 'ask him to tell' if you know what I mean."

Sam smirked along with Delilah until she recognized who the couple was. 

"I think she's jealous," Delilah said to Teal'c, amused at the expression on Sam's face.

"Perhaps," he said, giving her a longing look. As Delilah walked away, he kept looking-- not able to resist looking at the way the leather outfit clung to her tall figure. There was something about her that fascinated and confused him at the same time. He couldn't figure out what. 

"Teal'c, I can't believe who that is!" Sam hissed, jolting Teal'c out of his leering activity. He followed her as she double-timed it to the video section. 

"Colonel?" Sam asked tentatively. In case she was wrong, she didn't want to seem like a total idiot by using a name."

"Carter," Jack said as if greeting a long-lost friend. "I didn't think this was your kind of place." The smirk he gave her made Sam want to die of embarrassment.

"Daniel, what are you doing here?" she asked.

Daniel stammered for a few seconds before forming any words. "Well, you see, Jack...he, well...he..."

"Dragged you here to get some porno tapes?" she accused, her hands on her hips.

Teal'c wanted to ask what all the fuss was about but decided it more prudent to stay out of it.

Jack couldn't help but grin. Sam was out of her element and he knew it. "What I want to know is what possessed you to bring Teal'c here?" he said as he clapped the Jaffa on the back. "Granted I should have brought him here myself but I never got around to it, ya know?" 

"It seems Major Carter has corrected your oversight," Teal'c said. Both of them gave Sam the same smirk.

Sam wanted to smack that expression right off the both of their faces.

"If you must know," Jack said, "I was about to take Daniel to a Gentleman's Club."

"You mean a strip club," Sam said, folding her arms.

"And here I was trying to be politically correct," Jack sarcastically replied. "Teal'c, you're more than welcome to join us."

He couldn't avoid Sam's accusing gaze. Although he was interested in this Gentleman's club, he wasn't sure if he should go.

"What is a Gentleman's club?" he asked Jack.

"It's a place where you pay women to strip their clothes off," Sam spat.

"Hey!" he snapped. "To each his own." 

"I find that woman rather interesting," Teal'c said, indicating the tall dominatrix who'd been drooling over him earlier. "She is quite appealing to me."

"Teal'c," Sam said in a hushed voice, "I don't know how to break this to you but that's wasn't a woman."

"It's a man?" Daniel asked incredulously.

"Actually, Delilah's both," Jack explained matter-of-factly. "She's a fixture in this place. The intrigue keeps reeling in the customers. No matter which way you swing, she can give you some dead-on accurate advice."

All three of them just stared at Jack.

"Now personally," he said to Teal'c, "I still think you should have gone with the videotape. It's concise and to the point. Plus you can't beat the..."

"Videotape," Sam said. She looked so deep in thought Jack figured it might require a search party to bring her out of it.

"They're all around us, Carter," Jack said, motioning around with his hands to indicate just where they were standing.

'"Videotape, videotape," Sam muttered. Suddenly, she snapped her fingers. "That's it!" She exclaimed. "Come on, Teal'c. I've been going about this all wrong. Thanks for the insight Colonel."

"Happy to be of service?" Jack wasn't quite sure what he'd given Carter an idea to do.

Teal'c tossed a confused look back at Jack and Daniel as he left with Sam.

"Well Danny boy," Jack said, putting his arm around Daniel. "The nudie bar awaits!"

Daniel looked at him incredulously, shocked at the term Jack had just used. "I...I thought you said it was a Gentleman's Club?" Daniel asked.

"Same difference," Jack said with a shrug.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

"Chevron one, encoded." Sergeant Harriman's voice rang throughout the embarkation room as the first symbol was encoded onto the stargate.

"Where the hell is Porter with our stuff," Jack barked as he adjusted his sidearm. "She said those calibrations would only take an hour."

"Only half an hour has transpired since the briefing," Teal'c reminded him. 

"I know, I know," he said. "But she's an engineer. Hell, even Mister Scott got things done a lot earlier than he said he would."

Teal'c looked at him strangely. "Who is Mister Scott?" he asked.

Jack opened his mouth as if to describe what he spoke of but decided not to. "I'll explain later," he said. "What I'd really like to know is where you and Carter went last night. You know, after you left 'the store'." Jack made quotation marks with his fingers to emphasize his point.

"We returned to the SGC and viewed some videotapes in her quarters."

Jack had a look on his face that suggested something else.

"Teal'c," Jack began, "I gotta ask you. You and Carter didn't watch a, you know, tape like the one I gave you."

"You speak of a pornographic videotape?"

Jack did a mock shudder. "When you say it like that, Teal'c, you make it sound so...obscene." 

"No, we didn't watch that," Sam told Jack, a little disgusted that he would suggest such a thing.

"Chevron two, encoded," Harriman announced.

"Then what did you watch?" Daniel asked.

"Three movies," she said as she adjusted the front of her cap. "I picked a few that I thought would explain more about relationships here on earth."

Daniel turned to Teal'c and asked, "Which ones did you watch?" 

"One was called 'Sex, lies and videotape,'" Teal'c recounted.

Jack was intrigued. "What'd you learn from that?" he asked.

"On your world," Teal'c explained, "if women are unsatisfied they will eventually find a man more exciting and talented than you are."

"Well, that and make sure you don't let some videotape-obsessed pathological liar into your house," Jack added.

"Curiously, one of the actors looked striking like DanielJackson."

"I get that a lot," Daniel said, looking around innocently.

"Chevron three, encoded."

"And what else?" Jack asked, looking around impatiently. 

"When Harry Met Sally," Sam said.

"This one intrigued me most," Teal'c said. "I believe I will watch it again since it included so much information about sexual relationships on your world." Suddenly, he got an amused look on his face and said, "One scene was quite intriguing. It was ... "

"The scene in the deli where Meg Ryan fakes the orgasm, right?" Jack asked. "Yeah, that scene practically made the movie."

"And made a lot of men uncomfortable," Daniel added.

"Why?" Sam demanded. "Because they can't handle the idea of failing at being able to please a woman? Some men are so caught up in their own perceived sexual skills they can't even tell when a woman is faking it just to stroke their ego."

Teal'c looked directly at Jack for an explanation.

"I am *not* touching that one," Jack said, waving both of his hands impatiently. 

"Chevron four, encoded."

"And the third one?" Daniel asked.

Sam looked around the gateroom and said, "Isn't Doctor Porter running a little, um, late?"

"Carter?" Jack prompted.

"Okay, okay," she relented. "The other movie was ... 'She's Gotta Have It'."

Slowly, Jack let a sly grin cross his face. "Are you trying to tell me something, Carter?"

//Like you'd get the clue,// she thought.

"It was a critically-acclaimed artsy film," she defended while trying to avoid his accusatory gaze.

"That still doesn't answer my question..."

"Teal'c picked it out."

Jack rotated his gaze to the Jaffa and said, "Spike Lee's first movie. A most excellent choice."

"I thought so as well, O'Neill."

At that moment, Doctor Kayla Porter rushed into the embarkation room followed by two assistants carefully pushing a covered cart. She looked somewhat disheveled, tired and by the way she barked at an Airmen who didn't get out of her way quickly enough, it was pretty obvious her patience threshold was quite low. 

"Finally!" Jack exclaimed, putting his hands up in the air. "It's about time you R and D people showed up with our stuff." 

Kayla effortlessly gave him 'the finger' as she reached into the cart. 

"What's that all about?" Jack asked, tossing a look Teal'c's way.

Teal'c gave Jack a look like he'd just asked a stupid question.

"O'Neill, I believe that particular hand gesture is used to tell someone to fornicate themselves."

"Chevron five, encoded."

Jack, Daniel, Sam and Kayla looked at Teal'c, stunned at what he'd just said. 

"Chevron six, encoded."

It was Kayla who broke the silence by cackling wickedly. She laughed so hard her stomach hurt. 

"I like your sense of humor," she chortled as she lifted her glasses to wipe the tears from her eyes with a corner of her white lab jacket. "I swear, that made my day."

"I'm glad you enjoyed that at my expense," Jack told her, none too pleased at being the butt of the joke.

"You are most welcome," Kayla said as she handed the rifles out to the SG-1 team. Within seconds she'd switched back into her no-nonsense persona. "Now remember what I said in the briefing. Misuse these things and you'll be shit out of luck."

"Yes Ma'am," Jack said as he admired this latest piece of defense technology she'd cooked up. "I know I would have liked a cup holder on this thing..."

"And I'd like a tampon that doubles as a vibrator but we can't always get what we want now can we?" Kayla spat as she adjusted her glasses.

Sam started snickering almost immediately.

The gears in Teal'c mind started turning. He began to piece together conversations he's heard through the SGC, comments his team members had made, and the insight Sam had provided him with yesterday.

Suddenly, Teal'c let out a deep, resounding laugh.

"Oh my God," Daniel said slowly. "I think he got the joke." 

Jack gave him an annoyed look. "Ya think?" he said.

"Chevron seven, locked. We have a stable wormhole." 

"That's two in one day," Carter said with a wide grin. "He's on a roll."

"Doctor Porter," Teal'c said, "you do indeed have a gift for metaphor."

Kayla blushed. "Um, I'm gonna take my potty mouth back up to the control room," she said, pointing towards her intended destination. He kept his eyes transfixed on her as she made her way there.

"And you wonder why we're not together anymore," Jack said to Teal'c as the gate spewed forth and acquiesced into a shimmering pool of iridescent blue.

"SG-1, you have a go," General Hammond said, his voice over the PA booming throughout the embarkation room.

"A little hint," Daniel said to Teal'c. "If you're going to look a woman over, don't make it seem so obvious."

Teal'c gave him his trademark eyebrow raise.

"Oh that's rich," Jack grumbled. "Coming from a guy who practically stared holes into that one stripper that gave him a complimentary lap dance because she thought he was 'tasty'. You know, Daniel, the one with the big ... "

"I know Jack!" Daniel snapped as he turned five shades of red. He followed Sam through the rippling blue event horizon of the gate, hoping the cold would drain the redness of his face by the time they reached their destination.

"MajorCarter has done an admiral job instructing me about sexual relationships amongst the Tauri," Teal'c told Jack.

Jack noticed some uncertainty in the Jaffa's voice. "And you've got more questions than answers, right?" he asked.

"I do indeed, O'Neill."

"Don't be too hard on yourself, Teal'c," Jack said. "I'm still trying to figure it all out and look how old I am. I do have one bit of advice for you though."

"And that is?"

"In order to understand this whole relationship thing, you're going to have to get into one yourself."

Teal'c nodded in agreement as he watched Kayla wave to him from the control room. He bowed his head slightly in response.

"I do have one pressing question," Teal'c asked, his eyes still transfixed on his intended.

"And what would that be?" Jack asked as he walked up the ramp. Teal'c followed suit.

"Is it possible for a woman to, as you say, feign coming to sexual completion?" 

Jack stopped short of the event horizon and sighed heavily. "Teal'c, pray you never find out."

"Are you speaking from experience?" he asked.

Jack saw the sly expression on the Teal'c's face and decided he was screwed no matter how he answered. It never ceased to amaze him how wicked the Jaffa's sense of humor could be.

"I refuse to answer on the basis that what I say might incriminate me," he said before giving Teal'c a playful shove through the gate.

_* fin *_


End file.
